Speaking The Truth In Love Is Not Victim Shaming

I don’t want to write this post. I really, really don’t. But we in the church have picked up the verbiage and values of our culture, and it shows itself in the most ugly way.

First, the problem. In patriarchal societies, sinful men will act sinfully and they often sin against women. That’s a fact, and it has been since Adam first blamed Eve for his own disobedience.

In contemporary western culture, however, we have taken a strange turn. When men sin against women, to counsel women how they can protect themselves, is “victim shaming” and ought not to be done.

Here’s where all this is coming from. On Monday someone in a writers’ Facebook group drew our attention to a Publisher’s Weekly article about four Christian writers’ conference presenters who have been accused of and/or investigated for sexual misconduct.

One of the many people who commented said this:

The code of conduct [which conference directors are beginning to include for their staff] should apply to everyone–male and female, attendees or staff. Some of the clothing I’ve seen is really questionable, especially at a Christian conference. Not that it gives the other person any rights, but get a clue, folks. Don’t wear suggestive clothing!

Well, this opened the floodgates to the “victim shaming” accusation:
* What a sad, victim-shaming comment.
* I would love to think we’ve gotten past this way of thinking. Wow.
* that you think clothing choices lead to (and excuse) male misconduct is both shaming to women and insulting to men. [Never mind that the commenter specifically said: “Not that it gives the other person any rights.”]
* when I see someone implying that a woman brought abuse on herself because of how she dressed or what she did all my niceness goes out the window. It is never ever the victim’s fault.

And on the comments went, most taking the stance that any word to women was victim shaming. I admit, the comment was blunt and in my opinion should have carried a tone of compassion and love, but it caused me to think.

As a result, in another discussion of the PW article, I made this comment:

One thing that has dismayed me is that when someone says women can be discerning and can do something to shut down predators, their comments are considered “victim shaming.” How are we to have a conversation that will help young women if we can’t say anything about what they should do in response or as a precaution or to enhance discernment?

A friend of mine took the time to give a thoughtful answer:

The time to tell women how to protect themselves is not when we are discussing predators. It makes it seem as if we’re shifting blame. That comes during other discussions, not during the focus on predators.

It’s like when someone’s kid dies drunk driving. You don’t start lecturing on how bad it is to drink and drive to the grievers. You grieve with them and comfort them. Later, another time, another forum, you can be active in speaking against intoxicated operation of vehicles and heavy machinery.

But when women are talking about their pain and abuse is not the time to say, “Well, don’t stand so close, don’t be alone in their room or in an elevator, don’t sit next to them at a table if you know they tell racy jokes or touch a lot, don’t smile when you feel uncomfortable, speak up, etc.”

But . . . the comment that drew such ire was not directed to the victims. It specified that the men had no right to do what they did. And if not when the incident surfaces, then when?

I’d make this comparison. What if a serial rapist was on a university campus and had not been caught. This has actually happened. It isn’t a pretend scenario. On the news there will often be careful instructions about how women on that campus should call security if they must walk alone at night, stay in groups, even carry mace. Is that victim shaming? Of course not. That’s giving sensible instruction about how a woman can discourage an attack on her person from the rapist.

So I have to wonder, why are a clear warning and some helpful insights considered victim shaming? Why can’t we talk to women who may find themselves in a vulnerable situation about what they can and should do to protect themselves?

I think of Joseph, and one of the PW commenters actually mentioned him, when he was propositioned day after day by his boss’s wife. It wasn’t his fault, the commenter pointed out. So very true. But what did Joseph do? He ran!

Clearly that woman had power over him, but Joseph didn’t “go with the flow” or decide that she was just harmlessly flirting with him or that he could get further ahead if he let her have her way. He made a decision that what she was pressing him to do was wrong before God, and he left.

Reminds me of what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:18a—“Flee immorality.”

Today we talk about having boundaries, and in my opinion, that’s just another way of saying flee. Keep an inappropriate relationship at arm’s distance, or further, if necessary.

I know when I was young, I would have appreciated some wise counsel in this area. Because I was naive and stupid. I actually faced a couple scary situations, largely of my own making. Well, sure, not that the guys involved were free to have their way, but because I gave them the wrong impression—that I was available and willing. I was just goofing around, having fun, and these were strangers who I never saw again, but the situation could have had a very different ending, but for the grace of God.

Reminds me of a time I was taking a neighbor’s son home from school. He kept flashing gang signs out the window. I finally pulled over and told him in no uncertain terms that what he was doing could get us killed. Not that a real gang member (my neighbor’s son was not) would have the right to attack someone flashing signs at him. But the end result would be the same: we’d be innocent, and dead.

That may sound extreme, but listen to women who have faced abuse or harassment. They will say how much it has affected their lives, their marriages. We’re talking about something dangerous, so to basically say, Don’t tell women how to keep this man who wants to exert his power over you from doing so because that is victim shaming, in my opinion simply perpetuates the problem.

I get that the women who are suffering, who are dealing with confrontation and with forgiveness, and what all that means, don’t need to hear what they could have done in the past. That isn’t helpful to them. But it would be greatly helpful for the women coming along behind them to know that they don’t have to expect the same to happen. There are boundaries that the can draw, even if it means they lose something temporarily, as Joseph did. Sometimes there’s a cost, and that can be intimidating. Which is why we should talk about these things instead of hiding them under cover of the world’s “victim shaming” accusation.

Open Letter To Christian Publishers

Dear Christian Publishers,

I’m not a happy customer, and I think it’s time I stop complaining to my friends and come right out and say what’s bothering me.

The problem leaked out as I wrote my review for Wayne Thomas Batson’s recent (excellent) middle grade / YA novel Dream Treaders. At one point I said that middle grade boys were an under-served reading market, but that’s only partly true. In reality, all children are under served by Christian publishers!

I find this to be a horrible state of affairs. The few books I see in book stores and in publisher catalogs more closely resemble Sunday school material than entertainment. Don’t misunderstand—I’m a big fan of Sunday school. I just don’t think kids like going to school—no matter what kind of school it is—when they want to play and imagine and get lost in a story.

I understand from discussions on agent and editor panels at writers’ conferences that the topic of the paucity of children’s books comes up from time to time. In explanation, industry professionals identify two problems. First, there are so many clean books available in the general market that there is no real need for Christian children’s books. And second, Christian children’s books simply don’t sell.

I find the first reason to be reprehensible. Yes, reprehensible. Since when is Christianity limited to moral living? Do believers have nothing else to say about life except, don’t use bad words, obey your parents, and be nice to the little disadvantaged boy who lives next door?

I mean, really. Are we content to let the world tell our children how they should think? That’s precisely what we do when ALL their entertainment—TV, video games, movies, and books—espouse the same humanistic agenda. The two hours children spend at church on Sunday (and it’s a pretty shaky assumption that they do spend two hours there), is not enough to counter the multiply hours they spend every day hearing that they are good (not sinful), need only look inside (not to Jesus) for strength, can do whatever they put their mind to (not what God has gifted them for), and many other principles that fly in the face of Scripture.

Who, I ask you, Mr. and Ms. Publishing Professionals, will counter the humanist, postmodern worldviews that children are being taught?

Ah, someone is bound to suggest that parents are tasked with that job. I couldn’t agree more. Moses certainly gave parents the responsibility of teaching the Law to their children:

These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deut. 6:6-9)

The idea is that parents are to use every occasion to teach their children the things God wants them to know. Every occasion. Including their reading time.

Yes, parents can use reading time, like they must for movies and video games and TV and public education, to teach how the worldview behind the stories and games and curriculum is false. But is it too much to ask that Christian publishers give parents a better tool than negative examples?

Seriously, why aren’t all Christians up in arms at the poor pickings we are offering up to our children?

Which leads to the next issue. Publishing professionals say that parents don’t buy Christian books. Well, here’s the thing: some don’t know any Christian books exist. What’s more, the few books that are on the shelves in book stores may not be geared toward the needs of the parents who are looking. If there’s one book about pumpkins at Halloween time, for example, what does the parent do who is looking for a book for her little boy who loves horses?

The other “not buying” issue is price. Publishers say, all that color and thick paper for children’s books make printing children’s books prohibitive. Their print runs aren’t big enough to bring the cost down, so given the choice of buying a cheaper general market book and an expensive Christian market book, parents go for the less expensive.

Both these issues can be taken care of if you, Mr. and Ms. Publishing Professionals, would think creatively and take seriously the need for adults to pass on the Truth of God and His love for the world to the next generation.

First, the not knowing. There are plenty of women buying Christian fiction by everyone’s calculation. Why not package a popular author with a children’s book? You could work with an author who is best-selling and might be willing to contribute to this cause. The idea would be to give Popular Best-selling Author’s latest book away for free to everyone who buys brand new children’s book–for a limited time, if you choose.

That’s just one idea, but I can guarantee you, women who love Popular Best-selling Author will buy that children’s book and therefore discover Christian children’s books.

As for price, there are ways to cut costs. Like making the pages of children’s books smaller (that’s already being done by at least one publisher, and if I recalled which one, I’d stand up and applaud).

And of course, cost isn’t really an issue for middle grade or young adult books. Those don’t have the expensive art work or the glossy paper or any of the other high cost elements.

For teen and pre-teens, it’s really a matter of letting readers and their parents know the books are available. So why not do a little bit of old-fashioned promotion? Why not set up an author to speak at schools, selling books along the way? A few fantasy writers have done this, and teen Christian fantasy came into being.

It’s doable, Mr. and Mrs. Publishing Professional. It’s really a matter of whether or not you think it’s important enough to work at it and make it happen.

And here’s a secret. If you invest in this next generation, chances are, they’ll become your customers of the future. And when they do, please work to keep them happy.

Writers Getting Together

I have to admit, I hear a number of writers heading off to Denver for the annual American Christian Fiction Writers Conference (ACFW), and I wish I were going too.

Nothing better than a group of writers and other professionals getting together and learning, laughing, celebrating, encouraging, talking shop.

My conference of choice is the Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference in Northern California (isn’t that our 51 state? 😆 ), but I have ties in Colorado and would love to have gone to ACFW for that reason alone.

Get this, though. My friend Sally Apokedak will be attending one of the Highlights Foundation (of Highlights for Children fame) Founders Workshops. This is actually a practicum for 6 participants, led by an editor. In Chautauqua, New York. On the west shore of Chautauqua Lake.

And then there is the upcoming Fall Festival of Authors here in Southern California, with, among others, Athol Dickson.

Honestly, I’m feeling a little starved because it’s been over a year now that I’ve been to any kind of conference.

I realize I interact with writers regularly via email and through social networking, but it isn’t the same. People in other professions have face-to-face encouragement regularly. I know from my teaching days, the interaction with colleagues spurred me on and gave me ideas and helped me find solutions to problems.

Writers need this too. But since I’m not able to go to ACFW in Denver, I’ll be eagerly watching the blogs to get a second hand look at that conference. The Inkwell looks especially promising.

Meanwhile, I’m on to work as usual, but I’m starting to save pennies in hopes of making the 2010 Mount Hermon Conference. 😉

Thoughts about Mount Hermon continued

You can tell what’s on my brain. Well, one of the things. I’m finding that writing requires me to juggle several different projects at the same time. Yesterday I covered a soccer semifinal for the paper and today I’ll be working on preparing a manuscript for the ACFW Genesis contest. (No, I haven’t just started work on that manuscript! 😉 ) Then there is my critique group and the work I must submit as well as the pieces I must crit.

But in the background is an article idea, a short story contest, and Mount Hermon. Since I’ve chosen to write about Mount Hermon, though, I guess you’d say it isn’t so much in the background as I suggested. That’s partly true. At some point it will have to move to the foreground and take precedence over other projects.

There’s a deadline for submitting advance manuscripts, for instance. And there are things to prepare, to buy, to iron and pack. But until that time, I have other things on the front burner. Still, I am planning and thinking about the conference.

Why? What’s it all about?

If you’ve never been to a writers’ conference you might be wondering what the big deal is. For me, it’s a layered event. On one level it is pure fun. I mentioned last time that I first went to Mount Hermon not knowing anyone. Not so any more.

I’ve traveled with writers from my area, had roommates, met people in mentoring groups, connected with others I know online, worked with some, been rejected by others (editors, rejecting my manuscript, which has the odd effect that I then feel I can be myself around them since I’m no longer asking something of them. The truth is, editors are interesting people). Going to Mount Hermon has a little bit of the feel of a reunion, one where you really like being with the people.

Which brings me to the next point. Everywhere you look, there are writers. In every day life, most people aren’t sure what it is I actually do all day. Writers know (and some wish with all their hearts they were doing it all day, too). Mount Hermon brings us together and we can rejoice or commiserate with each other. We can talk shop and the others will understand, not just what we’re dealing with but why it’s important. We can learn from others who are in a different place in the publishing process, and we can share what we know with those coming along behind us.

And there’s the third key. Learning. Writers often talk about learning the craft, but how does that happen? Partly by reading good literature, but partly by having more experienced writers point out what it is that works and how to implement those. And of course “learning” incorporates the writing profession—the business side as well as the creating side. Lots and lots and lots to learn about the business.

Notice, as yet I haven’t mentioned meeting editors and agents as a chief reason for going to Mount Hermon. It is a reason, but by no means the chief reason or the only reason. Editors and agents will tell you they don’t take unsolicited manuscripts, but they find new clients through referrals and through writers’ conferences. Certainly, then, meeting them should be of paramount importance.

The reality is, most editors and agents have only a few slots open. They may go to three or four conferences a year looking for one or two authors. To think that I can go to a conference and come away with a contract is tantamount to spending a dollar on a lottery ticket and expecting to become a millionaire. Yes, it does happen, but what are the odds?

And besides, if, as I believe, God is able to do the impossible, He is not constrained by my attendance or lack thereof at a writers’ conference.

Yes, I will make an effort to meet with an editor or two, maybe with an agent. I’ll definitely try to reconnect with those I’ve met before, but no, I’m not looking to the writers’ conference as my ticket to a contract. Been there, done that, and learned writers’ conferences don’t supersede God’s plans.